In addition to being free of added sulfites, fining agents, chemical additives, centrifugal alcoholic manipulations, chaptalization, wood chips, vanilla extract, diethylene glycol, dried swim bladders, bovine stomach acid, Mega Purple, and dozens more wine-helping chemicals currently undergoing rigorous testing at the University of California-Davis, today it was discovered that natural wine—under the strict Legeronnais definition—is indeed entirely free of calories.
This breakthrough was first hypothesized by amateur oenographer Ezekiel Olsen, who, whilst inputting a battery of potential daily caloric outcomes into his iPhone calorie tracker, stumbled upon a remarkable theory. Since natural wine is good for us—good for the earth, for the farmer, for the very soul of the human experience—perhaps it shouldn’t count the same way against our daily caloric window.
Applications like MyFitnessPal attribute some 170 calories to a single stingy 250ml pour of red wine, but they do not, as per Olsen, take into account the natural bona fides of said glass. Why should a glass of glou-glou nat-nat be as fattening as a glass of Yellow Tail? Surely a refreshing pour of sans-soufre non-dosage Biodynamic Champagne from the Aube (served in appropriate white Burgundy glassware) can’t possibly contain the same caloric payload as some ghastly flute of Safeway “yellow label” Veuve?
Sprudge has been able to independently confirm both the hard science and the chill general vibe of this concept. Because natural wine is not bad for us—indeed it is actually good for us—it stands to reckon that a glass, or three glasses, or heck, a whole bottle of natural wine shared with your bestie does not, in fact, count against any form of recommended daily caloric intake. Calorie counters would do well to make sure that their daily bottle of calorie-free natural wine has been procured from establishments like Chambers Street Wine, Discovery Wines, Henry’s Brooklyn, Domaine LA, Silverlake Wine, Ruby Wine, Ordinaire, Vif, E&R Wine Merchants, Red & White Wines, P. Franco, 40 Maltby Street, Noble Fine Liquor, Bar & Garden, Sun Moth Canteen, La Cave à Michel, or any other reputable natural wine shop near you.
Indeed, these wines may create a sort of caloric deficit in the drinker, requiring a corresponding battery of fresh baguette, raw milk cheese, or maybe a little bit of that good octopus and potatoes dish they make at The Ten Bells, so as to maintain the metabolism in working order.
Ezekiel Olsen’s forthcoming book, The Natural Wine Diet, will be released Q1 2019 on AA Knopf, a division of Knopf Doubleday.